Published February 18, 2007
Agitation And Aggravation,
deterioration of the mind, thought, and feeling
you clench a fist, think rage
but swallow your thoughts;
bottle the meaning.
think...
think what?!...
ok,
you can't make your decision,
yes
no
you don't care
you don't know
no!
yes?
why can't I make the decision?!
am I talking to myself?
why can't I make the decision?!...
Everyone shut the fuck up!
crying,
please leave me alone.
but you want help
why do you push people away?
why?
why don't you understand?
why don't you open up?
just let it out, on anyone?
maybe?
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Canary word: Present
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141,274 Literary Works • 674,332 Reviews
Erm, one thing. Why exactly is this rated PG, given the presence of a certain F-word?
I have to agree with cadmium. Yes, this has two personalities, become a shakesperean cast member. This really is just a list of what is going through someone's head, there isn't really anything poetic here. This would work for a play or something, but it doesn't hold much ground as a poem.
Happy Editing.
WM
Why are they all capped? It made me think of AAA, which made me think of old people.
After that, I didn't think much of anything, except that this is a random list of phrases and questions. It's a stream of consciousness, but not a very effective one. It's so unstructured I'm kind of nervous.
What am I supposed to get from this poem? What problem is the speaker expressing? Who is the speaker addressing? And, most of all, how can you better use words to create a tone other than...babble?
Try to create something tangible in your poem. Describe an object or situation and have it lead to whatever you were trying to say here. Speak to a defined subject. Where is the speaker? What is he/she doing? What is happening to the speaker that is making him/her so upset?
Colleen
Sounds like a schizophrenic. It was very well put together, the line gaps added to the way in which the thought processes flow. This was completely unique, I don't think I have seen anything like it.
I really liked this. I loved the two different personalities you had and how you kept the confusion going throught. Also very nice ending. The only thing I would suggest is to maybe add more to it. It's sort of bland without much description and it's just full of juicy dialog it seems like something else is needed. Great Job.
Keep it up!
-Rieda